Raising My Vibration Again Today

I want to realize certain desires. We can create our desires. Take a look at the life you have around you right now. You created it. You were part of the creation. Your thoughts became things. The difficulty is that we are born into a family, a culture, a unit and are shaped by that time and place and those people. Whatever gets programmed into your nervous system at a young age, will keep repeating. 
This applies to all the big categories, such as wealth, love and relationships, health, family connection, friends, travel, education. You name it. What was programmed in, went into your subconscious mind and became automatic. 
The darned trick is first becoming aware that some program is not what you want, or that it needs changing. Most of the programs or habits become so ingrained that people take them as due course. I have clients and people in my life say, "this is how God made me." "This is my lot in life." "This is the cross I have to bear." "The grass is always greener on the other side." "I just can't." "This is just how I am." "Our family has always been poor." "I didn't have a good start." "My genes are bad." The list goes on and on an on. 
All of these statements are false scripts keeping a person trapped in the pattern. It is the way the mind justifies or explains something that feels frustrating or disappointing. 

For me- to be a bit see through, I have struggled with my health. That is the program I received. STRUGGLE. My mom nearly died in her 20's from a variety of stress induced issues, and then had a miscarriage before me, and then I was told the horror of my birth story, which she loves to repeat. You see people get attached to their stories. They get something out of being the victim in the story. 

I hated the story of my birth. I told myself I did not want children. Now I have 5, and 4 were born natural at home, and it was amazing. All 5 of my births were amazing. You see I decided to re-write the story. That is what I had to do. I had to re-write it. To do so required a lot of meditation, talking to women who had natural birth, at home. Feeling the experience in my body. Studying, reading, and I think it was a lot of imagining. Pregnancy is a great place to feel new stories. Your body is so alive. My connection to God felt so alive during my pregnancies. It was such a magical time of creation for me. Each pregnancy brought a lot of job and new ideas. 

My postpartum experiences were not so great. I had a better time postpartum with my fifth child as I was intent on rewriting the script with her. 

Romantic relationship has been very difficult for me. I love love. I love Romance. I love courtship. I love the whole family thing. Yet- my subconscious mind was programmed for love to be agony, fighting, stress, worry, and more. I have had to do a lot of reprogramming to make improvements in my marriage, beyond what I experienced with my parents. There are still many scripts running in my mind, that I want to be re-written. This type of rewiring I find a lot harder. Relationship with a person is so different than making a new program about birth, or money, or wealth. Those things feel a bit independent. When you are rewiring a relationship program, you kind of need a cooperative partner. 

I think that is why many people get out of the relationship they are in and find another partner. That is one way to do it. It is very rare to stay in the relationship you are in and rewire it and create change. That is because both people are operating from their faulty programs, and the key to having the change is FEELING what you want deeply. When you are constantly triggered, or in pain, or stressed by a relationship, that is all you feel. You then create more pain, more stress, more yuck. Recreating in the midst of that is next to impossible and requires high level mastery. 

It requires a lot of space. Space to daydream. It requires space to get in the frequency and vibration that you desire to live in. It then requires boundaries. Love- good relationships- have many boundaries. Sometimes people think that true love is like true enmeshment. True love or healthy love stands with many boundaries in place so both people can exist in the relationship. 

Boundaries are difficult to learn and then even harder to implement when you come from a background where there were no boundaries. There are so many scripts to rewrite, and two people who have a tumultuous, or toxic relationship often came together because they both felt fear of abandonment. The very thing they need, like boundaries and space and separation inside the marriage, is terrifying when the core wounding is abandonment. 

You can see how jumbled a puzzle it is to rewrite a relationship script. I am in the midst of this. I am doing this. I have been doing this for years, and our marriage was nearly derailed by family intruders. That is the other piece you need for the relationship to be safe. You need a hedge of protection around the relationship. You may be thinking that your partner lets in all the intruders. Maybe he or she does let in the majority. I ask you to look at yourself and see where you have let them in. Energetically when we make a shift, the relationship will shift. If you can identify where energy from the marriage is leaking, and you close up those leaks, I guarantee you will see your partner automatically starts doing that as well. 

What is my vibe today? I am feeling about 3/10. I needed more sleep. I had too busy of a week without reconnection time to myself. I am tempted to blame my partner. He is at fault for why I feel low. That has been how I have operated. Toxic family systems often operate in a blame game. I am learning to ask myself- what can I do to raise my own energy? What do I need right now. I need a quiet moment to write my thoughts. I need some movement, perhaps dance or walking or stretching. I need a cup of tea. I need to make some art. I need to pray. 

I will do all of that and see where I end up energetically. Now my relationship has a chance. I need to bring myself to the table and then my partner can meet me. I can't show up begging him to make me feel a 10/10. I have to do the work for myself.