Grief- When you Miss a Loved One

My dad passed in March this year, after fighting Cancer for 9 years. He was a fighter. He fought his entire life. He never quit. In fact in his bedroom he had a picture of a stork trying to eat a frog and the frog was choking the stork. The picture said "Never Give Up!" That was my dad. 

When he passed I was so shocked, because he wasn't ready to go. His mind was still sharp, and he most definitely wanted to live. I was not ready for him to go either. I am still deeply saddened and shocked at the loss. He was too strong to pass on. My dad was strength. He was a rock of a person. Many people depended on him, and looked up to him; and turned to him for advice. 

I honestly am still angry at times, that he is gone, and that he had to leave this world, at the young age of 72. That sounds so terribly young, as it is 32 years away from my age. I am angry that my children do not have a grandfather that they loved. I am angry that the entire dynamic between my family is no longer the same, at all. My relationship with my mother is totally different, and their home is different. Everything is different. 

Change is suppose to be good- right? I do like to change, and grow, but not so much when it is forced upon me. Mourning the loss of my dad has been the most difficult, non-choice change of my life. I want to cry, scream, and even at moments I feel conflicted with happiness. 

Everything I am feels like it came through lessons from my dad. He was a teacher, and he was always teaching. Consequently I am passionate about teaching, learning, and growing. Oh the lessons I wish I could teach my younger self. Many of him most important lessons came in his years with Cancer. Life was so precious to him. Everyday he tried to put on joy, even though he must have been in a lot of pain and suffering. As a recovering alcoholic he did not want pain medication or anything to numb his feelings. He felt everything through radiation, chemo, and the endless Cancer medications. 

Yet I didn't know the extent of his suffering. Was that a blessing? Was he protecting all of us to his own hurt? 

Photo credit: Aaron Burden, unsplash

"Oh dad, how could you leave me here unprotected?" Or at least that is how I feel. I feel like my protection is gone. He was the dragon slayer, the defender of the weak. He stood for truth and righteousness. He was ready to pick up his sword to keep back the enemy. 

The bible says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for My Strength is made perfect in weakness." How weak I feel right now. I know this is a passing feeling. I do not always feel this way, but the waves of weakness can come upon you suddenly and they are usually before or when you take a big step of faith.

This past week I took a huge leap of faith with my business as I get ready to start my own Herbal Store here on my website with my herbal tinctures, teas and salves. This has been a long time coming, and a large investment. I am confident, but nervous and I have noticed during these big steps, the enemy tries to make us doubt. He often uses people "open to his promptings," to work against us. This week was a week of such things. It made me miss my dad so much, for he fought many of my battles. 

Thank God though that I have a God how knows my weaknesses, and He is the one I really need to turn to for strength. Not sure if this post will help anyone. It was something I wanted to get out, and felt prompted to share into the Internet blogosphere, with the possibility that it would touch someone else. 

As I finish typing. I must say I feel better. This is a lesson in and of itself. It important for your well-being to let your feelings come up and out. Stuffing them down, is detrimental to your health. Likewise dwelling on the pain can be counter productive, so as I let this come to the surface, I know I must put the good things inside the space that is created by this release. I choose to dwell on the promises of God, and the Universal truths that cannot be destroyed.  Matthew 6:19 "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal."