My Herbs Blog
My dad passed in March this year, after fighting Cancer for 9 years. He was a fighter. He fought his entire life. He never quit. In fact in his bedroom he had a picture of a stork trying to eat a frog and the frog was choking the stork. The picture said "Never Give Up!" That was my dad.
When he passed I was so shocked, because he wasn't ready to go. His mind was still sharp, and he most definitely wanted to live. I was not ready for him to go either. I am still deeply saddened and shocked at the loss. He was too strong to pass on. My dad was strength. He was a rock of a person. Many people depended on him, and looked up to him; and turned to him for advice.
I honestly am still angry at times, that he is gone, and that he had to leave this world, at the young age of 72. That sounds so terribly young, as it is 32 years away from my age. I am angry that my children do not have a grandfather that they loved. I am angry that the entire dynamic between my family is no longer the same, at all. My relationship with my mother is totally different, and their home is different. Everything is different.
Change is suppose to be good- right? I do like to change, and grow, but not so much when it is forced upon me. Mourning the loss of my dad has been the most difficult, non-choice change of my life. I want to cry, scream, and even at moments I feel conflicted with happiness.
Everything I am feels like it came through lessons from my dad. He was a teacher, and he was always teaching. Consequently I am passionate about teaching, learning, and growing. Oh the lessons I wish I could teach my younger self. Many of him most important lessons came in his years with Cancer. Life was so precious to him. Everyday he tried to put on joy, even though he must have been in a lot of pain and suffering. As a recovering alcoholic he did not want pain medication or anything to numb his feelings. He felt everything through radiation, chemo, and the endless Cancer medications.
Yet I didn't know the extent of his suffering. Was that a blessing? Was he protecting all of us to his own hurt?
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